Imagine this scenario with me. A colleague brings to you a report where they have made a mistake. Previously you had suggested they do the report a different way, but they chose to try a new method that didn’t work out. They admit the mistake to you and show how they are going to correct it. Now, do you complement them on finding a solution or do you make a comment that if they had listened to you in the first place this wouldn’t have happened?
Defining the Problem with Winning
A root habit that can cause the demise of many interpersonal relationships is the habit of “Winning too much.” Marshall Goldsmith says, “Winning too much is the #1 challenge because it underlies nearly every other behavioral problem.” It is not that competition is wrong. The key is discerning when it is worth it to be competitive.
Leaders are often naturally competitive, either externally or internally. They want to get the highest score in the basketball game or make the most money. They want to beat another person’s high score or they’ll try to beat their personal best score. This habit at first can make a person very successful because of the wins that they do achieve.
However, there are times when the value of winning can be a negative. Do you ever have an urge to let others know you are right on a subject? This urge can often be our demise in building relationships and team with others. The opening story is a good example of this. The colleague already knows they made a mistake. If you point out how you are right, does this endear you to them? No, it only makes them feel worse and lowers trust between you.
Defining the Solution with Winning
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be competitive. And, I’m not saying you shouldn’t point out when someone is wrong or has made a mistake. The question you need to ask is, “Will pointing out that you are right, or winning the argument, be worth it?”
Healthy conflicts that get all of the issues and ideas out on the table are important. Once all of the ideas and points of view are heard, then you can move towards consensus. However, a problem can happen when our idea has to win just for the sake of winning. This is when conflicts can turn into arguments.
Arguments can be very destructive. When a team of people are only focused on their idea winning, team trust breaks down. This is because people begin to interact in self-protection mode. It is no longer a focus on win-win (how do we hear & listen to all sides and make the best decision for the common good). Instead arguments are focused on win-lose (My idea is right and has to win).
Think about this:
- Do you have a coworker with whom you just have an urge to be competitive? Do you push for your ideas to win, not necessarily because they are best for the project, but because you just want to win?
- How do you handle choices with your children? Do you give them opportunities to choose on their own? Does your choice always have to win, even if it is on a subject that really doesn’t matter?
- Do you say or present an attitude that says, “I told you so.”
So, how do we handle this?
- Be aware of when your competitive urge rises to the surface. Most often you will see this when you have a competing idea with another person. You may even want to ask others around you to point out when they see you becoming competitive.
- Before you say anything, ask yourself, “Is it worth it? Will my comments add anything to this issue? Or instead, will they hurt me in the long run by my team members disliking working with me?”