“To know others is knowledge. To know oneself is wisdom.” – Lao Tzu
Leadership influence is not just about the right behaviors. It is much deeper. It is also about our way of being. Olivia Fox Cabane in her book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, states that “charismatic behaviors must originate in your mind.” You can do all the right behaviors, but if your mind is not in alignment with those behaviors, your true state of being will show through.
This is why I believe that our attitudes and habits are foundational for us in making effective change to reach and build our leadership potential. One of my favorite books on understanding the impact and the application of our state of being is the book, Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute. Recently I noted an incident in my own personal life where my state of being was not in the right place. I thought it would be helpful to share how it impacted my influence with another person and how I grew through it.
A Leadership Influence Scenario – How I viewed the situation:
I invited a person close to me to join me in an activity that I saw as an opportunity for us to spend time together. However, this person did not want to go. I then tried to give other choices in hope that the person would come. She still did not want to come, and so did not join me in the activity.
A Leadership Influence Scenario – How my mind responded:
In response, I labeled the person as obstinate in my mind. I thought about how she always makes life difficult for me and that she is not helpful. I started to list in my mind all the ways she had hurt me by being resistant to my ideas in the past. I saw this person as an object in my way. I then started to justify myself. I thought about how I am unappreciated, that I am a good person and deserve respect.
What I did in my mind is an example of self-deception in reaction to conflict. I labeled the other person as an object in my way. Another stance is to label the person as irrelevant. But, self-deception does not stop there. What fuels this is my own need for self-justification. My view of the other in a negative light then justifies my positive image of myself.
A Leadership Influence Scenario – How we responded in actions:
Because of how my mind responded, I acted by withdrawing from the person. I wanted her to feel guilty and hurt. The other person felt like I was trying to control her and left in anger. Typically this then leads that person to seeing me as an object in her mind with her own self-justifying thoughts. We can then end up in a cycle of continual animosity because in each of our minds we are self-justified.
A Leadership Influence Scenario – How we found resolution:
To find resolution, someone must break the cycle. The first step is to view the other person as a human being instead of an object. It is to wonder, “What are they feeling about the situation?” Instead of labeling them, you choose to seek to understand.
In this case, I learned from the other person. She approached me and said she realized that through the activity I had suggested that I was seeking a way to spend time with her. She apologized for not trying to understand my point of view and that she wanted to spend time with me.
This immediately spoke to my heart and made me aware of all of the false thoughts I was having. I was acting in self-deception and creating a non-productive relationship. I apologized for how I was not seeing her perspective of the situation. I am thankful for how this person helped to make our relationship stronger and helped me to grow.
Summary:
The scenario described above can happen in all areas of our lives. At work, it leads to teams being not only non-productive, but actually destructive. It can also lead to broken family relationships and friends being estranged.
Do you see people labeling others at work? Do you self-justify yourself with others? How can you help by understanding from another person’s perspective and meeting his or her needs? What can you do to increase your leadership influence from the inside out?