“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” – Corrie Ten Boom
I woke up in the middle of the night, and I couldn’t sleep. I felt so angry. A person had not followed through on their commitments to me. I felt hurt and disregarded. As I looked to the future with this person, I saw only more hurt by their behaviors. Have you ever felt this way?
We experience exhilaration and disappointments in relationships with others. This happens with our family, friends and at work. How we cope with these disappointments, can impact the relationship with that person and affect the whole dynamics of a team. As leaders, we must be aware of how we approach people who fail and disappoint us. This includes the concept of workplace boundaries.
Workplace Walls
When I am hurt by another person, often my first reaction is to build a wall. The pain is very real. Maybe it pushes a trigger inside of me, such as fear of a project failing, feeling disrespected or not being valued as a priority. What is on your trigger list when someone disappoints you?
I want to build a wall that is impenetrable, so I am not hurt anymore. I shut down my heart with this person. I continue to work with this person but my trust dissolves. I withdraw in some form, which hurts communication and productivity. We have different ways that we can respond. Maybe, you explode and then cut yourself off from the person. Or maybe you sabotage the work of the person in passive-aggressive ways. You might over-communicate, which can cause the person to distance themselves. Any of these reactions can erode a team. How do you tend to build your wall?
Workplace Boundaries
Another way to respond to the disappointing behavior of others is to build workplace boundaries. A wall is a hard line that allows no progress in the relationship. Picture a brick wall. You cannot hear, see, nor interact. A boundary is more like a fence. You can see, hear and interact, but there is a clear line that is drawn.
When I build a boundary with another person, I talk with them about how they disappointed me. I suggest using “I language.” For example, “I felt disappointed when you ___________. I need you to do this instead.” Then, you allow time to listen to the other person’s response for what they are feeling and needing too. This clarifies expectations and builds a stronger relationship. It shows mutual respect and builds trust. How do you build workplace boundaries with others?
Forgiveness
Building walls or boundaries are all behavioral reactions. But, there is also the heart side of us. We can do all the right actions, but still hold a grudge and build bitterness inside of us. This ultimately can destroy a relationship and poison a team. I also find that when I am turned towards forgiveness, my natural reaction is to build workplace boundaries.
When moving forward, forgiveness can be a further building block to a strong relationship and team. Forgiveness is not the same as not holding someone accountable or allowing poor performance. Forgiveness involves boundaries with clear expectations and consequences from choices. But, forgiveness is also a choice to give grace and believe the best for a person. It is not holding to the past, but instead to the present with hope for the future.
Now, the person may disappoint again. This will require more conversations and then new boundaries. But, there is also the opportunity that the person will grow, learn and become better, and you along with them. This can build trust. As a leader, other team members watch how we deal with disappointments. Our reactions model the way and build the team culture.
Are you building workplace walls or boundaries today?