I was looking at my schedule for the next month, and it was very full of work and family activities. I felt overwhelmed, and I thought to myself, “I will just have to survive this next month. I will get through it and then be on the other side.” Usually I would then just move on through my day with forward determination. However, the reality of what I just thought struck me. I was in survival mode. I was surviving, not thriving. This is not how I want to choose to live my life.
When I go into survival mode my hope is always in the future, but I don’t enjoy the moment. I am not present, typically stressed and just living for an end point. Not only is this not how I want to live, but also not what I want to model as life to my children nor to those around me. This is not a life of purpose and meaning for me.
In his book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Csikszentmihalyi shares his research on how people can live happier and more meaningful lives. He describes habits we can develop to have an autotelic personality. “Autotelic” is the combination of two Greek terms of ‘auto’ – self and ‘telos’ – purpose. An autotelic personality has the ability to successfully engage in a continuum of life experiences. They can manage the most challenging and even traumatic experiences of life and be able to just enjoy the minor details of life. Here are the four habits:
Ability to Set Goals
A goal gives us a sense of direction. Often when we think of goals, we think of a big goal off in the future. However, this habit is more about setting small goals. For example, I know that for my overall life, I want to thrive, not survive. I also have some larger outcomes I am personally moving towards such as trusting God’s love, being intentional to feel love and joy, and being authentic to release joy. But, what are some goals I can set in the day to day living of my life that will connect me to purpose and thriving?
When I look at the details of my schedule, one of my activities is driving my daughter to places she needs to go. I could look at this as a goal of just getting her from point A to B and just surviving one more place to drive to. However, what if I set a different goal (or purpose)? Instead, I am going to use this opportunity while driving to focus on connecting with my daughter. My goal is now to emotionally connect in the moment with her. Now, in this moment I am thriving, not just surviving.
Knowing How to Pay Attention
People who are able to engage in ‘flow’ have a distinct habit of focus and being able to pay attention. They focus on one thing and don’t get distracted by multiple things. When my schedule is busy, I can become distracted by multi-tasking and thinking about various activities in my day. This keeps me from being present. With my goal to emotionally connect to my daughter, I need to keep focused on the connection as I spend that time with her.
Ability to Immerse in the Activity
When immersing in an activity, it allows us to enjoy the activity simply for its own sake. As we move towards our goal, we need to seek feedback. For example, as I try to connect to my daughter, I look for feedback on how well I am connecting. Maybe I try different questions, listening to music together, silence, or just being present, etc. What works and does not work? It is a process of seeking feedback that helps flow to happen.
Enjoyment of the Activity and a Sense of High Energy
By engaging in the first 3 habits, it leads to a sense of enjoyment and energy. Athletes who apply flow to their skill building can often reach this level of enjoyment as they play their sport. Scientists who engage in flow can reach a state of high creativity. With my daughter, I can find enjoyment in my day in a simple activity of driving. Instead of the driving becoming one more task to get done, it gains a higher purpose and therefore enjoyment.
Are you surviving or thriving? Are you choosing to live your life with purpose or just getting through the day? What small goals can you set to give meaning and then provide focus and feedback so that you feel the joy of thriving?