“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.”
– Desmond Tutu
“Neither of them owns that there is a problem with them.” This is what a leader said to me about a couple of their team members. These two individuals were having difficulty working together. Instead of working through their differences directly with each other, they would triangulate (talk to other people about the problem instead). This was leading to tension between them and poor team morale.
Have you ever had this happen with a team you are a part of or even with family and friends? There can be various dynamics going on in the situation mentioned above, but one of the skills that could be lacking is assertiveness. Assertiveness contains a mindset that then impacts our behaviors with each other. Let’s look at the mindsets involved and practical application.
Assertiveness Mindset
How we interact with each other goes deeper than just our communication behaviors. It first starts with how we view and value ourselves and the other people in the relationship. Think of something in your life that you value. It could be another person, a pet, or an object like a car. When you think of that person, pet, or item, you probably have positive and respectful thoughts. When you talk about them, you probably describe them in encouraging ways. The opposite is true when we don’t value something. We have negative and disrespectful thoughts. When we speak about them, it can be with degrading words.
- Assertiveness is based on the mindset that I have value and the other person has value too. This mindset leads to seeking to appreciate my viewpoint, opinions, and perspective and to appreciate the viewpoints, opinions, and perspective of others. Even if we have differences, we still value the person.
- Passiveness is based on the mindset that I don’t have value and the other person does have value This mindset leads to not regarding my own viewpoint, opinions, and perspective but then regarding those things in others. Because this person doesn’t value themselves and instead values others, they become “passive.” They may discount their own viewpoint, opinion, and perspective. They let others be heard but not themselves.
- Aggressiveness is based on the mindset that I have value and the other person doesn’t have value. This mindset leads to only respecting my viewpoint, opinions and perspective and not respecting it in others. I pay attention to my viewpoint, opinion, and perspective, but disregard others.
When you reflect on the mindset of assertiveness, passiveness, and aggressiveness, what do you see in yourself? Are you able to interact with another and be confident in the value of what you want to share? Or do you downplay and discount yourself? When you meet with others, are you curious to hear what they have to say? Or do you not pay attention to the other person and talk over them with your own thoughts?
You may find that with different people, how you listen and speak with them varies. In these cases, notice how you are valuing them. With people you listen to, do you value and respect them more? With others that you may disregard or not listen to, do you value them less?
Practical Application of Assertiveness
There are many behaviors that can result from being assertive, passive, or aggressive. For example, a passive person may withdraw, struggle setting boundaries, or not share. An aggressive person may talk over people, gas-light others, or bully. Where an assertive person will be comfortable being their authentic self and curious about others too.
There is much that can be explored with these three styles of communication. As a take-away, I would like to share an example of a helpful assertive communication pattern. It is the use of “I” language which helps a person to own their own message.
Here is a basic pattern to follow:
- I feel (name an emotion you are experiencing) when you (name a behavior). This leads to (name the impact of the behavior). I am asking that you (what you would like to see change).
Here is an example:
- I feel frustrated when you don’t complete your work by the deadline. This leads me to be behind in my work and slows down the team. I would like you to complete the work by the deadline or communicate to me when something may be impacting the completion.
- Then, you need to wait, listen, and seek to understand the other person’s perspective.
Application idea:
- I opened this article about a manager who was struggling with 2 team members not speaking with each other. A way to move forward would be to have each team member practice putting their concern into an “I message” form. Then to facilitate a discussion between them.
Book recommendation:
- One of my favorite books that addresses mindsets in our relationships with others is called, Leadership and Self-Deception. Every time I read this book it always challenges me to grow further in my own valuing of relationships, and I have seen its positive impact with others who have read it.
Assertiveness can be in a continuum. Sometimes we lean towards being passive and other times aggressive. Take time to notice your communication patterns with others. What are your thoughts and mindsets during these times of communication? What helps you to be you best communicator by remaining assertive?