“To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord.”
– Proverbs 16:1-2
“I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried getting this person to work with me, but they do not want to communicate.” Have you ever felt this same type of frustration communicating with a co-worker? I often have leaders bring situations like this into their coaching sessions. You are not alone if you have struggled with a relationship at work. We all go through these struggles.
Many helpful training courses and books can help us grow in our communication. Learning and applying these skills can often help resolve relationship difficulties with others. However, we can feel we are doing this and still come to situations with others where we become stuck.
It can be like going on a hike where you think you have the trail map clear in your mind. But, then unknown landmarks pop up like signs that you may be off track. We may need to slow down and reassess. So, what do we do?
Assess What You Can and Cannot Control
You can influence people, but you can’t control them. You may have authority in some relationships, but the other person can still choose not to follow you. We must acknowledge our limitations. We can only control ourselves. This puts us in a place of humility and an acceptance of what is.
It may help to step back and assess your relationship with the other person.
- Assess the quality of your relationship. Have you been taking time to get to know the individual personally? Have you taken actions that show that you care? How often do you spend time with them?
- Assess how well you have listened and been curious to learn about them and their perspective. Do you do most of the talking, or do they? Can you summarize their viewpoint on a situation? (Or, do you only have your assumptions?)
- Assess the clarity of your shared goals and roles. You may be clear on a goal, but have you checked to see if they’re clear on the expectations? Do they understand your role and their role? Sometimes we can assume this is clear, but it may not be to them.
In some relationships, we have authority, mutual authority, or no authority. In each of the three assessments above, where can you take action? Are there things you are trying to control that you can’t?
Discernment
Relational situations can have multiple layers and involve tension. Remember that the tension is normal, not necessarily “bad.” The tension is just telling us to pay attention. Relationships can be more challenging because they can involve layers of deeper motivations. We need to assess our motivations.
What motivates our interactions with one another? Journalling can help us get our thoughts out of the rumination or hiddenness in our minds. Talking with a trusted, objective person can also be effective.
We also must be careful about our assumptions about what motivates another. This is where building a relationship based on trust is foundational. This can allow the other to be more open to our curiosity about understanding them. But again, we can’t control the other. We may need a third-party person to help us move the situation forward.
Summary
I have seen leaders who have had a team member shut down with communication with them. As the leader assessed the relationship dynamics and identified specific action steps they could take to rebuild the relational connection, trust was built, and communication was restored. I see this happen often, and it is a celebration!
I have also seen leaders who have assessed, taken ownership, and taken steps to build the relationship, but communication remains stunted. In these cases, the other person was processing deeper issues within themselves that would take time for that person to resolve. The leader was controlling what they could control in the relational connection on their part. These relationship dynamics will take more time and further discernment. Sometimes, a third party is needed to help facilitate the process.
I also want to encourage you that sometimes we can feel that these journeys in relationships with others are taking us “off-track.” However, I find that moving through the process can build the relationship stronger. Similar to how taking a wrong turn on a hike can lead to more muscle endurance and new beauty being found.
Book Recommendation
I also recommend the book The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. In next month’s article, I will share steps to engage in the conversation.