“Feedback is the breakfast of champions”
– Ken Blanchard
Do you ever avoid a gift? We typically look forward to gifts. We anticipate the surprise and are excited to have another person think of us. This is how I want to view feedback. Because feedback really is a gift. Sometimes, it does surprise us where it brings joy, confirmation, and encouragement. Other times, it is a surprise that stings. It is not what we expected. Yet even the feedback that stings at first can be a gift that helps us reach more of our potential.
One of my loves in life is seeing people reach their potential. I have learned that a key component of that is self-awareness. I have seen this benefit others and myself.
I recently experienced a season of family visiting and gathering with friends. One of my takeaways from this time came through feedback, and it happened to be the kind that stings. My children are now young adults. There are some family traditions that they love, but I am also learning that as they grow into defining their own identities, there are also traditions that they want to leave behind. It was in this type of situation that I received some feedback.
In this situation, I had to remind myself of some of the benefits of feedback:
- Promotes Self-Awareness: Feedback provides an external perspective, helping individuals see themselves as others do. This fosters a deeper understanding of one’s actions and their impact.
- Encourages Continuous Learning: Feedback highlights opportunities for improvement, encouraging individuals to acquire new skills, refine existing ones, and stay adaptable.
- Strengthens Relationships: When exchanged respectfully and constructively, feedback builds trust and improves communication, fostering stronger connections in both professional and personal settings.
- Enhances Performance: Constructive criticism offers actionable insights, empowering individuals and teams to address weaknesses and achieve their goals more effectively.
Self-awareness and Continuous Learning
This situation helped me to become more aware of my impact on others. An action that I saw as helping to plan for a family gathering, my daughter interpreted differently. Her reaction put me in a spot of immediate “social awareness.” I had the opportunity to pay attention to her signals of being angry, but I also realized that underneath anger can be hurt.
It was also a time of self-awareness, of examining and asking, “What did I do?” From my perspective, what I did had every good intention, so I had to step back and look at it from another perspective. This then brought me into a new space of continuous learning. First, was I willing to learn? And second, was I willing to move myself into a space of curiosity where I could learn?
Strengthening Relationship
But it wasn’t enough to stop there. I had to close the loop of the relationship. Yes, I could learn, but was learning worth it if it only stayed in my head? I had a choice to move to action by engaging in communication.
It happened that at this time, I was reading a book called Courageous Discomfort. Some of the words from this book flashed into my mind, and I found them helpful in guiding my next steps. You may find this true, too. Here are quotes from the book that stuck out to me:
- “We begin by understanding how tricky intentions can be because they give us permission to be out of alignment with how we show up in the world.”
- “Having good intentions is a good starting place. But if your good intentions hurt someone, how good are these intentions?”
- “Acknowledge to yourself that the impact of your actions is more important than your intentions, and own that.”
- “It’s the moment to say:
- I’m sorry my intentions came across to you like that.
- I’m sorry I didn’t know that’s how it is for you. Thank you for telling me.
- This is not coming out the way I want. I’m learning to make my intentions better match the things I do. I am asking for your patience as I learn. If you feel comfortable and I’ve messed up, I really appreciate you telling me, so I’ll do better.”
I was thankful for the quotes in this book that spoke to me. When times like this happen, I don’t want to be curious, learn, and humble with others. I want to stay in my comfort zone. But this time, I decided to be courageous.
So, with my daughter, I engaged in a conversation, explaining that my intentions and actions had an impact on her that I was not expecting. I acknowledged her hurt and told her I wanted to understand. I apologized that my actions came out without realizing how they would come across to her. I appreciated the feedback so I could learn and grow.
Enhanced Performance
My hope is that by being self-aware, being intentional with a growth mindset, and prioritizing relationships, I will grow in my own potential. Sometimes, we can’t measure this by concrete data and figures. But we can see it in other ways. We see it in how we change and things become different around us. Two weeks later, when my daughter left for college again, she gave me a big hug that lasted a long time. In that hug, I knew it confirmed our relationship was on good ground and growing.
As you apply feedback in your life, I encourage you to be aware and celebrate any small steps where you see a difference. The improvement in yourself and your relationships with others will produce a gift in your personal and professional relationships that will multiply potential all around you. Will you join me in taking steps to see the gift in feedback?
Book Recommendation
Courageous Discomfort by Shanterra McBride and Rosalind Wiseman
This book focuses on having important, brave, life-changing conversations about race. I was reading it because of all that is happening in my community so I could learn to show up better. However, an added benefit was that this book had wisdom that could be applied in discussing various topics that help us engage with others with dignity and intentionality.