“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.”
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
– Albert Einstein
A recent LinkedIn article listed its “ranking of the fastest growing skills that professionals should be investing in to get ahead in today’s world of work.” Conflict mitigation was ranked second, immediately after AI literacy, which held the number one spot. The third skill listed was adaptability. The world is abuzz about AI, and its ranking as number one should be no surprise.
However, it resonated with me when I saw conflict mitigation come up as number two. I provide coaching to senior executives of organizations. Sometimes, the CEO will set up a joint coaching session on topics they want to navigate. Recently, I had the CEOs and COOs of two separate organizations meet with me in a joint session to discuss conflict resolution. I reflected on how, even this past week, I have had to navigate conflict in my life and other leaders who have discussed conflict issues in their workplace with me. I became aware of a recurring theme of three “differences” that often arise in conflict and how they reach resolution.
Conflict Mitigation with Differences of Viewpoint on Topics
I collaborate with other coaches in my consulting work. In a meeting with another coach, she made a comment that I felt revealed a deeper issue beneath it. This piqued my curiosity to understand more deeply what was going on. Later, when an opportunity arose in conversation, I asked her about it. Her response revealed a viewpoint on some current events that differed from mine.
I felt my heartbeat quicken, which I knew was my body’s natural reaction to the conflict of differing opinions. So, I took a deep breath and responded from my perspective, drawing on my experience with others. I didn’t argue her points. She shared not hard facts or data, but a perspective on current events. So, I shared my perspective and what I heard from others living this. I didn’t respond in a way that labeled her (such as saying what she was seeing was wrong), but instead owned my voice and what I was observing (simply stating, I am observing this).
In response to my perspective, she softened on one viewpoint, held firmly to another, and brought up a point where I knew we shared common ground. I had a choice to continue to debate our different perspectives or focus on the common ground.
I knew that at this point, what mattered wasn’t the differences; the common ground point she mentioned was our point of unity and our shared vision. So, I focused my following comment on our shared vision and how this shared vision has guided us and will continue to guide us. We then got back in sync with what was most important.
Conflict Mitigation with Differences in Perception of Self and Others
I was meeting with a leader who was overwhelmed by a complaint about him. The complaint was unsubstantiated, but it caused this leader to feel on guard. I work with leaders on being their authentic selves in leadership. He acknowledged his self-awareness that he was being inauthentic because he was holding back due to concerns about being misperceived by others. We cannot control other people’s perceptions, but we can control ourselves. We processed together what it looked like for him in his thoughts and mindsets, connected to his values, so that his behaviors align with his true self.
I have found this mindset helpful in a world where people have their own perceptions that may differ from your intentions. For myself, I recite this quote by author Richard Rohr: “Humble me in the presence of my reality.” It reminds me to reflect on my reality, which can have multiple levels of meaning. But most importantly, it reminds me that I can’t control the reality around me. And in that humility, I give myself compassion for the things I cannot control, including others, and also the freedom to rest in what I can control, being my best self. So, this is what I focus on and find peace in as well. And in that peace, I also interact better with others.
Conflict Mitigation with Differences in Individual versus Corporate Tension
I was discussing a leader’s workload and his exhaustion. It became apparent that he was delegating tasks to a team member but not the full responsibility, so he was still feeling the weight of owning the project, rather than the team member owning it. As we dug deeper, some of the responsibilities he was assigning to this team member were not a good fit for where that person’s strengths were emerging during this season. It so happened that there was another team member who would be a better fit for managing this project.
So, this leader acknowledged the deeper issue, but now struggled to follow through with rearranging his team’s assignments. Why? Because he was fearing conflict. He knew the action he needed to take for the best interests of his team, but his mindset was getting in the way. Instead of fear of hurt or division driving his thoughts, he needed to see the gift. We listed the strengths of each person and how the new assignments aligned with those strengths, which would result in higher job satisfaction for each person. Additionally, it aligned with the time constraints of each person, allowing them the time to complete the job. We then discussed how this would enable them to collaborate more effectively as a team and achieve their mission.
He needed his mind to be focused on the positive and then use that as his speaking points to share the why with each of these team members clearly. Yes, he couldn’t control people’s reactions, but he could rest in his reasoning and acting in what was truly best for the organization and each person involved. He is giving them all a gift.
Application
Can you relate to any of the scenarios mentioned above? No matter the type of difference that may be leading to conflict, you can navigate it towards collaboration in a way that will even make you and your team stronger. Here are some reflection points. Please feel free to read and to save for a time of reflection.
- Mind the conflict with others: If you sense an underlying tension with another, be curious. In a safe space, ask questions that seek to understand to surface the conflict. It is better to address the issue than to let it simmer. You may also discover that there is no actual conflict, and your questions demonstrate that you genuinely care.
- Mind the conflict within yourself: When you feel tension, be curious about its source. Is there a change you need to address as a leader, but you are avoiding it out of fear of conflict? Or, are you using your power to force it on others and shutting down questions by becoming defensive? Take time to step back, discern, and strategize what is best for your team. Once this is clear, you can share your voice and plan clearly, sharing the why behind the change.
- Own your stuff and don’t fall into the trap of labeling others: Others will have different points of view and opinions. In our world today, we are being pushed into a mindset where if someone differs, we need to categorize them and label them in a way that makes us perceive them as being against us. Look at the issue objectively, being open to multiple perspectives, and simply own and state your viewpoint. Then, see the person and be careful not to view them as an obstacle in your way.
- Clarify for yourself what is most important: Focus on the majors, not the minors. If you can find common ground on the major objective, don’t let minor differences divide your collaboration.
- Focus on what you can control: Hope the best in others and be discerning. Don’t let fear squelch your authentic self and voice. Instead, invest in maintaining your mental well-being so that you can live it out in your behaviors.
- See the gift and opportunity: Build trust and set boundaries accordingly. Encourage your team to take calculated risks, enabling them to adapt and drive continuous improvement. It may bring up conflict, but conflict is not the enemy; it is a gift. There will be challenges, but looking back, you will see what you learned and how you improved because of them.
This is the hard work of leadership. Taking the best action for the right reason with the right people at the right time. Invest in your leadership so that you have the energy, time, and space to navigate conflict well. Your authentic leadership is a valuable priority! What is your next step?