“The hardest thing about conflict is that you can be right but still lose.”
– Unknown
What have you been learning and applying from the previous two articles on assessing and resolving the root of conflict? I hope that it provided an outline of principles to help guide you with curiosity and questions as you seek to understand the underlying causes of the conflict. We can all be using the same words and think we are aligned. However, conflict simmers because we are not aligned at a deeper level, as our different perspectives, assumptions, and aspirations remain unaddressed. We must ensure that we not only communicate effectively but also genuinely understand each other.
The principles of goals, roles, rules, and relationships serve as categories to help us delve deeper, identifying potential areas of conflict and miscommunication. With these categories, we tend to analyze and find solutions mentally. In this article, I also want to address assessing conflict from an additional angle – evaluating from the heart level.
This is where we add the “data point” of emotions. We add emotional intelligence as an additional layer to our intellectual intelligence. Emotions can seem fuzzy, subjective, and messy, so we can tend to discount them.
But when we leave out emotions, it is like trying to put together a puzzle while you lack 20/20 vision. You may get some pieces to fit together, but it is more difficult than it has to be. You may also assemble some pieces that aren’t quite the right fit, but they’re working for now. Using emotions is like putting on glasses that help bring about sharper clarity, allowing the puzzle to come together more efficiently and with a better fit.
So here are 3 steps to include emotions:
- Identify, label, and acknowledge the emotion(s)
Often, when conflict is involved, the natural first emotions are more negative, such as anger, frustration, hurt, and pain. Often, the deeper root is fear. We should not ignore or push these emotions down. They are there for a reason, so we need to pay attention, acknowledge, and name them. However, we also need to go to the next step.
- Choose to let the emotions inform you, not drive you
Emotions like the ones discussed in the first point can contain a high degree of energy as a warning system. However, acting out of emotions generated from fear, stress, and pain often leads to suboptimal solutions and can even sabotage us.
- Act from the positive emotions to drive you
We need to discern what these warning emotions are trying to tell us and then act out of emotions that allow us to have clarity and build helpful solutions with others. Often these emotions include compassion, peace, and kindness. The deeper root of these is love, instead of fear. They lead to clarity, wisdom, curiosity, and acting from purpose.
Practical Application
Here is a practical way to apply this. You may relate to a situation like this.
Let’s say a person or group of people makes a mistake that causes harm in an organization or a team. A natural reaction is feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and pain. These emotions are to inform us that we need to discern. When these emotions progress into fear, we tend to want to fix it quickly, which tends only to fix it at a surface or “technical level.” The organization then sets up “rules” to try to protect and prevent it from happening again.
However, what often goes unaddressed is the root and deeper issues at play. So, people and relationships get cut off through the rules that are only a technical fix. The heart level does not get addressed.
When we use anger, hurt, frustration, and pain to inform us, we immediately recognize that there is a problem that needs attention. Then, when we choose to shift our focus to emotions like compassion and curiosity, we can lean into love. We engage our values to uncover deeper truths and gain clarity that lead to the growth of people and relationships within the system. We build trust, participate in healthy conflict, and hold each other accountable.
So, I am not saying that rules and boundaries are wrong. I am saying that as leaders, we must be aware of what “spirit” we are operating from. When operating from love, we may still set boundaries or rules, but it is all done within a system that promotes the deeper values formation of the person and a healthy community together. It enables us to operate and live out the organization’s core values.
When fear drives, we create a system that becomes stifled under too many rules. It backfires by keeping people focused on the rules rather than being motivated to innovate in healthy ways, a mission that is adaptable and relevant.
When love drives, the focus is on our shared values lived out in our relationships. We are then released with energy being directed towards the mission and vision. Instead of energy being sucked up with fear of stepping outside of the rules. We live by healthy boundaries because the love lived in our values motivates us. This is psychological safety – a place of trust, freedom to express differences, and accountability to each other and the mission.
Summary
When we combine EQ with our IQ, we effectively embody the structure that “goals, roles, rules, and relationships” offer. As a leader, you hold a unique position of trust with your team to help them examine their assumptions and understand what influences their decision-making and responsibilities within an organization. A key question to ask first, yourself and then as a team, is: What are the emotions I am feeling? Which emotions are needed to inform me, and which do I need to drive me? Am I operating out of fear or love?