“Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a relationship?”
I first heard that line in a parenting class, and it has stayed with me ever since. We were trying to protect a family ritual—dinner together—but our commitment to the ritual turned it into a nightly minefield of arguments. I found myself bracing for the next explosion. That same dynamic shows up in leadership. The table may be a kitchen table or a conference table, but the pattern is the same. Friction is inevitable. How we notice it, name it, and respond to it determines whether it destroys connection or becomes a catalyst for growth.
I recently attended a seminar on a new book, Friction: How Tension, Emotion, and Change Reveal Better Leaders. Its authors’ research identifies three dimensions where friction shows up for leaders. Each one connects to my own work and experience.
Friction often begins within. In my work with leaders, especially through 360 feedback and debriefs, what looks like a sudden drop in performance usually signals a tension. One leader I worked with had long been praised for his strengths, yet his feedback ratings for his top strength had plunged. The feedback revealed what he had been hiding: grief and organizational stress that he managed by becoming hyper-rational and relentlessly busy. He believed he was coping; others experienced the opposite.
Friction Inside You
Instead of a collapse, this became a watershed moment. His new self-awareness opened the door to relief and hope, and to learning how to work through that tension for his own good and for the good of his organization.
Why this matters: internal friction erodes authenticity and drains strengths. When leaders ignore inner tension, their behavior shifts in ways that ripple through teams.
What helps: cultivate self-awareness through honest feedback, pause to reflect on what’s driving your behavior, and treat self-care and emotional processing as leadership responsibilities, not indulgences.
Friction Between People
Many of us rise into leadership as experts, and we do know a lot. But our greatest accomplishment can also become our greatest point of friction. We become so sure of ourselves that we stop listening and start telling. Others comply out of fear, or quietly look for ways to avoid us.
This is where the question applies: Do you want to be right or have a relationship? You may be right, but at what cost? If no one follows you, will your “right idea” ever get accomplished? You may be undermining your own mission.
There were times I felt like giving up on our family dinners. Between after-school activities, work demands, homework, and community events, wouldn’t it be easier to let it go? But we kept showing up. Even in the rowdiest seasons of friction, I’m glad we did.
A leadership test: choose influence over being right. A correct decision that no one follows is a failed decision.
Practical shift: practice listening with the intent to understand, invite dissent as a resource, and ask questions that surface others’ perspectives before offering solutions.
Friction in Systems and Structures
Every team has its own “tables,” the routines and structures where people come together. Rituals and structures, such as family dinners, one-to-ones, and team meetings, are the scaffolding of healthy relationships. When those systems break down, friction accumulates. I once observed a leadership team where tension finally surfaced and, in doing so, exposed a systemic failure: scheduled touchpoints weren’t happening. People were busy, differences made meetings awkward, and avoidance became the norm.
The cost: missed meetings and neglected routines are not minor inconveniences; they are the slow leak that undermines trust and coordination.
Fixes that work: protect the small, regular interactions that keep teams aligned; make accountability to the process as important as accountability to outcomes; normalize short, honest check-ins that prevent small frictions from becoming crises.
Practical Steps to Navigate Friction
- Name it early. Labeling tension reduces its power and opens the door to constructive conversation.
- Choose relationship over ego. Ask whether being right advances the mission more than preserving a relationship does.
- Create predictable tables. Protect routines that enable connection—regular team check-ins, family dinners, or one-to-ones.
- Use feedback as a mirror. Treat external feedback as data about how your internal state is showing up.
- Model repair. When you misstep, acknowledge it quickly and clearly; repair builds credibility faster than defensiveness.
Conclusion
Friction is not a moral failing; it is a signal. It tests our integrity, our relationships, and our systems. As leaders, we are called to pursue what is right, but not at the expense of wholeness or connection. The real leadership question is not whether you are right; it is whether you are building the relationships and structures that allow right ideas to be realized. Keep the table, whatever form it takes, and learn to sit with the discomfort long enough to turn friction into forward motion.