In the previous article, I wrote about the power of relational health. When our relationships are poor, it can seriously hamper the productivity of a team. It also can do internal damage to the individual who feels depleted by people around them.
We can often mistakenly think that building relationships with others starts with the other person. We think, “If they would do this, then we could build a relationship” or “If my team would communicate better, then…” However, it actually starts with us, which should fill us with hope. We can’t force another person to change, but we do have full control over ourselves.
The key is to have a relational mind-set. Here are some ways to put a relational mindset into practice:
Test Your Own Assumptions
Is there anything within yourself keeping you from the other person or the team? For example, some people can be highly competitive. (This can often be true of leaders.) Being competitive is not bad. It pushes you forward to do your best. But, does it keep you from supporting others to succeed? Are you negatively labeling a coworker or friend? Is your assumption about them colored by jealousy or a need to win?
This is just one example of an assumption. There can be many more that we hold about other people. We need to ask ourselves the hard questions. What assumptions are your holding against other people?
Ask Questions and Listen
There is no relationship unless you engage another person. And, the best way to engage others is by questions. Ask questions that allow you to learn about the other person. Be curious. Where did they grow up? What is their favorite hobby and what about it makes them excited? Ask their thoughts about a project you are working on.
Once you ask the questions, your only response can be to listen. If you don’t listen, don’t bother asking the questions because asking and not listening will only hurt the relationship more. In a previous article, I discuss effective listening skills: http://wp.me/p1MTLc-94
Be Vulnerable
You may be a great person, but you are not perfect. You have limitations and you do need others. This is the power of a team, whether in an organization or a family.
One way to show vulnerability is to ask this key question to others on your team: How can I be a better coworker (supervisor, parent, spouse, etc.)? This requires you being open and not defensive. Instead of arguing with their response, just say thank you.
Confront
When we truly care about others, we also confront them when needed. However, before you confront, it is vital that you do the first step, test your own assumptions. When you see another person doing a problem behavior, don’t judge. Instead, be curious. What is leading this person to this behavior?
Also, if you have done the previous steps of asking, listening, and being vulnerable, then as a team you will be able to openly engage in disagreements, without hurt feelings. In strong teams, disagreements only make the ideas stronger. When people feel safe in a relationship, they know that others are disagreeing with ideas, not tearing them down as a person.
How do you build relationships? Would you add any steps to the ones above?