Nancy is a high performing leader. She is known for getting results, and she knows how to win. Her performance review was going well, until her team member’s ratings of her were reviewed. The bottom-line feedback from others was that they did not like working with Nancy.
Nancy realized that if she wanted to be an effective leader, she had a problem and needed help. I often work with leaders, like Nancy, who are highly talented, but they realize that they need to develop their interpersonal skills. As an individual, we can only go so far in accomplishing results. A true leader is a person who can get results in partnership with others.
A client I am working with identified her top 3 interpersonal behaviors to improve. One of her top solutions to overcoming these problems is listening skills. In learning to listen, there are three acronyms I often recommend for clients to apply.
In building relationships with others, the most important step is to approach them with a sense of AWE. In the last article, I discussed valuing others as a way of being. Do you really value them as a person? If so then you can apply these listening skills:
- A – Ask questions. Be curious to learn from them. This is an opportunity to value what they think. Ask questions about their perspective on a problem or opportunity. However, after you ask the question, what you do next is crucial. This brings us to the next step…
- W – Wait. Don’t say anything and give them time to answer. Be comfortable with silence. Don’t jump in to provide your answer and don’t interrupt. WAIT is an acronym also. It stands for “Why Am I Talking?”
- E – Express. This is where you respond, but how you respond is critical. A simple response is to say, “Thank you,” and stop there. Or to show greater understanding, you can express back to them what they said and only what they said. Do not try to squeeze in your ideas with what they said. Expressing back in an opportunity to show the person that you really listened. If you can’t state back what they said, you weren’t really listening. If you can state back what they said, it shows that you heard them and understood. It then gives them the opportunity to clarify more of their answer to you.
When we really value another person from deep within, as a way of being, then it will also flow out of our non-verbal behaviors, which are a part of listening skills. Most of our communication with others is not in what is being said, but in how it is being said. Here is another acronym, SOLER, like what they are saying is currently at the center of your universe (attention).
- S – Squarely face the person. When talking to another, turn your torso so that you can squarely face another. Don’t talk to them with your head and body facing another way. Just this week I was on a car trip with two friends. The person in the passenger seat was talking to me as I was sitting diagonally from her in the back seat. As she was talking to me, she explained that she could not turn her head to face me because of neck problems. I appreciated her awareness of her body position and that she wanted to clarify to me that our conversation was important to her.
- O – Open posture – When talking to another, it is best not to cross your arms, but to keep them in an open position. This communicates that you are open to what they are saying instead of being closed.
- L – Lean forward – As you listen to another, it can be helpful to even lean forward. This can communicate that you are “hanging on to their every word.” You are really interested in what they are saying.
- E– Eye contact – Maintain eye contact, but don’t stare the other person down. It has been said that eyes are the doorway to the heart. Eye contact shows you want to connect with them and their message.
- R – Relaxed – Keep your body in a relaxed position. If your body is in a tense position, this communicates that you are not comfortable or open to what the other person is saying. If you are feeling tense, it is important to ask yourself why. Are you not ready to talk with this person? Do you have something you need to work out internally before you are ready to talk? Or are you feeling tense because you are thinking about an unrelated topic, and therefore not really focused on the person to whom you desire to listen?
So, as you approach another person to listen, be aware of your “way of being.” Are you approaching them like a person of value or as an obstacle? Are you treating them with AWE? How are you letting this then be shown in the listening skills of your words and behaviors?