“Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.” – Theodore Rubin
Do you have irritating people in your life? Do they seem to put obstacles in your path every day? It could be someone who sows discord with you and your team. Maybe it is someone who seems needy and drains your time and attention. Is it someone you feel like you must avoid because they will only waste your time? Or is it someone who disagrees and fights your decisions?
These are all examples of irritating people and situations that I have heard from others recently and have faced myself. None of us is immune and yet we try to avoid it like the plague. However, irritating people can make us stronger in character and as a leader.
Here is what an irritating person can teach us:
Calmness and Patience
Have you ever prayed for patience and then ended up in the longest check-out line everywhere you went? Our character is developed through experience. Irritating people give us the opportunity to learn to respond instead of react. Being calm so that you can respond and not react is a key trait of a strong leader.
I often can get irritated by people who are driving slowly ahead of me. One day my husband and I were traveling to a friend’s dinner party, and we were bringing hot soup. To keep the soup from sloshing out of the pot, we had to drive carefully and take turns slowly. A thought popped into my head wondering if we were being irritating to other drivers! Now, when we drive behind a slow person, we say to each other, “They must have hot soup in their car.”
To be calm and patient with others, we need to change our perspective and seek to understand. Recently a leader was very irritated by one of her team members who seemed to be avoiding her. Instead of being reactive, this leader became proactive and met with her. She remained calmed, listened and learned that this person was facing a difficult personal issue. How this leader responded only solidified their relationship.
Guard Your Mouth
When around an irritating person, everything within us can want to spew out our frustrations all over them. Irritating people seem to know how to hit the “hot buttons” in our lives. If we are not aware, unhealed hurts can unleash hurtful words. As leaders we need to know our triggers. Are you a person with a strong drive? Be aware that people who slow you down may be a trigger for you. Are you a person who is sensitive to feeling inferior? Be aware that people who question you, may be a trigger for you. Are you a person who seeks harmony or is sensitive to acceptance? Be aware that discord, may be a trigger for you.
Marshall Goldsmith in his book, Triggers, gives a helpful principle. He recommends asking yourself the following question when faced with triggers: “Am I willing at this time, to make the investment required to make a positive difference on this topic?” Sometimes, we may have a positive response. Other times, we may need to not say anything. And at times, we may need to just say, “Thank you for your input, and I will get back to you.”
Don’t Take Things Personally
Taking things personally is owning what people have said as being more important than what you know is true about yourself. Don Miguel Ruiz in his book, The Four Agreements, says, “As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”
My daughter was hurt by the words of a bully, an angry person. After taking time to empathize with the hurt, we discussed that angry people are often people who are deeply hurting on the inside. Their angry words are more about them than really being about a characteristic of her. We then discussed not to take the monkeys off the back of angry people. Sometimes people walk around carrying a lot of monkeys (their issues) and they try to throw the monkeys on to others. However, we have a choice to not take the monkey.
The benefits of not taking offense are open relationships and unity. When we hold on to an offense it leads only to walls in relationships and division. Remember how others have been patient with you when you have been the irritating person. Choose to be a leader who models calmness and patience, who guards his/her mouth, and who extends grace because they don’t take any thing personally.