“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” – Daniel Goleman
Is emotional intelligence important to you? I often hear about the phrase emotional intelligence in the workplace, but I also have heard it referred to in schools and community organizations. In the workplace it has been linked to higher job satisfaction and performance. It seems to get people’s attention, but do you know what it means?
I recently read a couple of articles titled, “What is Emotional Intelligence and How to Improve it,” and “How to Improve Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace” by Courtney Ackerman. There are 5 distinct components of emotional intelligence that are valuable to our success in life.
Self-awareness
Are you aware of how you are feeling? Can you label your emotions? Do you take time to reflect on what may be a stimulus to your emotions? Awareness is important because emotions are powerful motivators. You could easily spend your day in reaction mode just based on emotions. Instead, to be proactive and intentional, we need to identify the emotion and then choose the best response. This involves being self-aware.
Take time throughout your day to observe how your emotions impact your decisions and actions. What are your strengths and weaknesses? For myself, I find that journaling is a very effective way for me to reflect about my emotions. I have a friend who processes their emotions through painting. Sometimes when I walk or run, I can become clearer about my emotions. You may find it helpful to talk with a trusted friend, mentor or coach.
Self-regulation
This is the ability to have self-control. When emotions are intense, or circumstances are stressful, self-regulation helps to keep you calm. You recognize the tension, but it does not control you. You choose to control yourself. This allows you to still be conscientious about your work and others. You take responsibility. You don’t ignore the emotions but are aware of them and use them in your decision making about how to best move forward.
At times like these, I like to try to take a moment to be still, calm myself and listen within. Unfortunately, I don’t always do this. And when I don’t, I regret it because my emotions often lead me in the wrong direction. I can think of many words that I wish I could take back because I spoke without self-regulating my frustration. There are also other ways to be proactive in promoting self-regulation such as exercise, meditation or hobbies. What are ways that you find that help you to self-regulate?
Intrinsic Motivation
The most powerful form of motivation comes from the inside. We can motivate ourselves and others through external rewards or consequences, but these types of motivations are short-term. Intrinsic motivation comes from a never-ending energy source on the inside. It is often connected to people’s passions, values and strengths. It may contribute to a sense of purpose or meaning in life which fulfills a deep need in all of us.
This type of motivation promotes optimism and innovation in others. Help people to connect to the “why” behind what they do. Help them to see how they contribute to a bigger vision and purpose. Take time to understand other’s values and what excites them.
Empathy
Empathy is taking time to understand another person’s perspective and feelings. It seems so simple, yet it takes an intentional outward awareness. Just like we need to be self-aware of our own emotions, we also need to be aware of others’ emotions and perspectives. What often trips us up here is being busy and not taking time to listen. Or thinking we are listening, but not actively listening. Such as letting another person talk but thinking about what we are going to say next instead of what they are saying. A great active listening skill is to summarize what the other person has said, which motivates you to listen and shows them that you are listening.
People who have natural strengths in empathy also must be careful. They can connect so fully with another’s emotions that they don’t take time to self-regulate, they just react to the feelings. Instead they need to connect to the emotions, but also step away and process through the emotions objectively to then intentionally choose a next step of decision or behavior.
Social Skills
Social skills are the actions or results that everyone wants to have, such as persuasion, strong communication, leadership, managing change and conflict, and team building through collaboration. However, self-awareness, regulation, intrinsic motivation and empathy are all foundational to social skills. We are a culture that immediately wants to attach to the results of social skills, but these outward skills come from the internal work of self-leadership. I know training programs that teach the behaviors of social skills but have mediocre results. This is because just changing a behavior can come across as being insincere. True emotional intelligence comes from the inside out.
If you want to truly grow in emotional intelligence, you must work on all five of the distinct components of emotional intelligence. It is not brain surgery. It is something you can learn. I have seen many, many leaders grow in emotional intelligence. It is within your potential. You must choose to be intentional to learn from the inside out. I promise that the benefits are well worth it. It will make your leadership more effective than you could have imagined. What will you choose to do to grow in emotional intelligence?