It is not enough to ask, “Why can’t we all get along?” We must make some serious culture wide efforts to ask a different question: How can we all get along? To even attempt to answer this question, we must stop blaming others and playing the victim. We must stand up to our aggressors who also see themselves as victims of past injustice (and often truly are). And we must resist the urge to use shame as a weapon. To do this we need power combined with compassion. We need to exercise emotional heroism.”
– Linda Kohanov. The Power of the Herd
Do you ever ask the question, “Why can’t we all get along?” We may have a vision towards which we are going, but we cannot get there alone. This involves the joys and the complications of working with others. We feel the joy when synergy is happening, new ideas are being shared and results are happening. However, the emotional upheavals of working with others whether from misunderstandings in communication and roles, lack of clear expectations, or our own emotional baggage, can halt forward movement.
To be a successful leader, we must be able to navigate through team dynamics. Linda Kohanov in her book, The Power of the Herd, refers to a principle called, Emotional Heroism. I think this is a well described term of what a leader needs to be as they move with a team. As I have reflected on being an emotions hero, here are some tips:
Be Aware of Your Own Emotions
Your own emotions have a powerful impact on your team. Your emotional demeanor can encourage or deflate a team. Also being aware of your own emotions can help you be steady, not react but be proactive, with other team member’s emotions. Take baseline checks of your own emotions throughout the day. A more concrete way to check emotions is to notice physical sensations in your body. Are your shoulders tight? What is this sensation saying to you? Are you feeling anxiety? Is your heart pounding? Are you excited about something?
Also be aware of situations around you. Is there a difficulty at home that is impacting your emotions today? Are there certain events at work that trigger a high stress response in you? Is there a person at work that “pushes buttons” in you? Don’t ignore these triggers. What needs to be worked through?
Be aware of your emotions, physical sensations, and most of all, be curious. Not just your mind, but your emotions and body can give deep insight into leading. As you start doing this, at first you may just need to take deep breaths and then process the sensations later. But as you practice, you will be able to listen to yourself more in a flow. Kahanov’s book provides some more practical steps on how to do this.
Productive Processing to Gain Perspective
As you notice your emotions, you also need space to process. This can be done on your own though journaling or with a trusted friend, mentor, or coach. When done with a trusted person, you may have heard that venting is a helpful way to process emotions. However, recent research provides some more clarity on when venting is helpful and when it is not. Jill Sutie in her article, Does Venting Your Feelings Actually Help?, provides an overview of this research.
Processing our emotions does provide us with valuable information alerting that something needs attention. If venting just leads to ongoing rumination where we get stuck in the negative emotions, this is not helpful. Or if we use the negative emotion to fuel us to shame, blame or hurt another person (or ourselves), this is not helpful. The helpful side of venting and processing emotions is when it leads to a perspective on the why behind the emotions, how to soothe ourselves and then find productive ways to deal with the valuable information that the emotions were trying to alert us to.
So, when processing or venting with emotions, choose a medium that helps you move to perspective and then find healthy ways to address the issue. Are you able to journal on your own to get to a point of clarity or do you feel stuck? If stuck, it may then help to talk with a confidential person. However, choose who you process with carefully. Do they cause you to remain in the negativity and become spiteful or help you gain perspective and find a solution?
Being an emotions hero can sound complicated, but it is well worth the journey. Emotional Intelligence continues to be seen as a top quality of leaders, and I also believe it is helpful for a satisfying life in general. What is a small next step you can take to be curious with your emotions?