“Feelings are something you have; not something you are.”
-Shannon L. Alder
What is your perspective on emotions? Is your life consumed by emotions or do you ignore them? Or are you somewhere on the continuum in-between? I grew up in a home with my mom consumed by emotions and my dad ignoring emotions. My mom was fun loving, deeply caring but also could be an emotional roller coaster driven by fear. My dad was an engineer by profession and looked at everything through the lens of logic and analysis and was closed off with emotions. As children, we don’t know what we don’t know, and therefore I only saw through the lenses of these two extremes.
My Aha Moment
When I was in college, I remember distinctly writing in my journal about an “Aha” moment. I happened to be overseas in Romania on a service project. This was in the 1990’s right after the communist government had fallen. As I interacted with other Romanian college students, I was fascinated by their life experiences, culture and perspectives that were different than my own background. I had just finished my freshman year in college and was in a tumultuous time of clarifying my own values and seeking direction for my future.
During part of this trip, we spent some of the time camping along the Black Sea. I enjoyed rising early in the morning to walk along the beach to reflect and would bring my journal with me. One morning, I had my “aha” moment. It was a very emotional time in my life, and I wrote, “I see emotions as bad.” I realized I stuffed and ignored my emotions deep within me and that being on this extreme was not helping me to progress to be my whole self.
I don’t know where you are at with your perspective of emotions or where you are at with your life journey with them. You may relate to my story or have a totally different life experience. But one thing we do share in common is that we all have emotions. They are a part of being human, and are an intricate part of our mind, body and will interacting together. Emotions are powerful because they drive our passions and motivations. However, they also don’t have to dominate us. We can harness this power through self-control and use emotions for the good. To regulate emotions, we also don’t have to live in the extremes of living driven by them or the other side of cutting yourself off from them.
Gaining Perspective with Emotions
When interacting with emotions, I like to use an analogy. Picture in your mind the dashboard in your car. It will have a variety of instruments that help you to understand the state of your car. For example, when you turn on the ignition, lights will come on to tell you that the engine is running. When you push on the gas pedal, the speedometer will show how fast you are going. The gas gauge will show you your fuel level.
All these instruments are like emotions. Just as they tell you how your car is functioning, so our emotions can be indicators of how we are functioning. Here are some points to keep in mind:
Acknowledge and Name the Emotion
In my car there is a light that comes on that I can name as “empty.” This is showing me that my car needs more fuel. In the same way, when you feel an emotion, it is important to acknowledge and name it. You could be feeling happy, sad, fearful, excited, hurt, etc.
Practical tip:
In order to help you name your emotion, there are a variety of emotion lists and tools available. Here is a link to what a search on google can provide: Emotion Charts
One of my favorite kinds of charts are emotions attached to faces which help me to better connect the word to the feeling. There is not a right or wrong chart. It is more finding what kind of list or chart that might help you.
Be Curious
When the engine light comes on in my car, it is telling me that I need to be curious about what is going on deeper inside my car. I must admit, the emotion I first have when I seen the engine light is anxiety. But then, I take that anxiety as an indicator that I need to be curious. What is going on with my engine? I am not a mechanic, so one of my first steps is to ask for help. My mechanic can then help me to understand what my engine is trying to tell me.
In the same way, when we have an emotion, we need to acknowledge, name it and then be curious. If my fear could talk, what would it say? What I love about curiosity is that it helps me to be objective. Instead of being overrun by the feeling to the point of acting brash or so overwhelmed by it that I shut down, being curious helps me to differentiate from it. Instead of it being my identity or defining my perspective, it becomes a friend. It helps me to understand something going on inside or around me.
Practical tip:
After naming an emotion, ask yourself, “If this (name of emotion) could talk what would it say?
Discern Right Action
Part of my role as a coach is to help others discern right action. Right action is doing the right thing at the right time for the right reason. Emotions can be a gift in helping you to discern right action. When making decisions, there can be a lot of data points to uncover but keep in mind that emotion can be a data point too in that process. Include what the curiosity is revealing to you.
Sometimes, you will quickly discern what the emotion is saying to you. For example, when the empty light comes on in my car, I know what this means. Other times, it may be more of a process, like when my engine light comes on. I may need to talk about the emotion with others for their perspective too, like when I talk to my mechanic about an indicator light that I can’t figure out on my own.
Emotions are a part of being human and can be our friend. Learning how to integrate them into our life is a journey and can be a part of making us whole. They can be a powerful dynamic to clarify right action for us and in our interactions with others.
Practical tip:
Who can help you to discern with your emotions to lead you to right action?
What is your next step to move forward with emotions as a friend to you?