Ann felt exhausted trying to fit in. She had been CEO of the organization for one year and felt like she was failing. She wondered if she should quit. Have you ever felt like Ann? Do you know of other staff members who are feeling like this?
Ann is a leader who recently shared these feelings with me. But she is not alone. I often hear from leaders who are struggling to fit in. They may be new to a position or been a leader for several years. They are at a spot where they feel like they no longer belong or have to strive to belong, and they are exhausted.
We all have an innate desire to belong. This is a basic human need, and it is good. However, it is essential to determine what is driving us. Are we striving to belong or fit in? There is a difference. Determining this difference will be important to your own success and longevity as a leader and also for building a community of team members who move together over the long haul to reach the mission.
Defining Belonging
Have you ever longed to belong to something? What did you do to try to belong? This may bring up memories from middle school where you tried to dress like everyone else. Dressing the same way may have helped you to fit it. But did it really help you feel like you belonged?
Brene Brown, author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, has defined belonging as:
…the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” (pp. 231-232).
This habit of trying to fit in does not stop in middle school. Unfortunately, it can follow us throughout life and into the work place, and it can have strong consequences to it.
At a previous job, I remember being a young leader who had a great vision for our department. I longed to belong to the senior leadership team. When this opportunity came, however, all I knew to do was to fit in. This drive to fit in led to me over working. On my days off, there was always another work project that I wanted to finish. I also became so focused on meeting the expectations of the senior leadership team, that I did not represent the needs of those I supervised well. I was too busy pleasing others to try to fit it.
From my experience, I learned that when I try to fit in, I am not being my authentic self. Instead I operate in a false self that puts on a mask to meet others’ expectations. As a leader, this keeps me from being in touch with my priorities, and I act for the wrong reasons. When I operate in my authentic self, I am bold to live in my strengths, empower others appropriately and have a depth of clarity for discernment. I also have a joy that when I am with others I belong for truly who I am.
Are you operating from your authentic self or a false self trying to fit in?
Creating a Culture of Belonging
A culture of belonging is a place where community is discovered. A community is a place where you can be truly who you are and belong. When people have the freedom to be who they are, group members’ engagement increases. Passion for the mission is released, team work happens, and creativity flows.
The first step is the members showing their authentic selves, and as the leader, you must lead the way. I spoke of Ann at the beginning of this article. Ann realized that who she is was not matching the work she was doing. She made a bold move by being vulnerable with her board. Her board responded in a supportive way of where they see the potential in her and wanting to help her grow in her strengths to help her get there. Ann now feels relieved because she has freedom to be herself and is excited about developing herself.
Now that Ann is practicing being transparent, she needs to fan this flame with others. Ann needs to look for opportunities where others are being vulnerable, transparent and authentic and support their actions. This is a process. It takes on-going awareness and nurturing.
Are you trying to fit in or belong? Is your authentic self or false self driving you? How are you supporting others with being transparent and vulnerable with their authentic selves?