I have a friend who felt overwhelmed at the end of his day. As we talked about all that had happened in his day, he had not realized how much conflict he had been involved with. He was having to hold a direct report accountable on work performance. He had sent out an email that had been misunderstood by two colleagues, which led to multiple emails for clarification. He had another direct report who kept pushing for a request even after he had clearly said no and explained why. And then there was a very small seemingly petty issue which another employee took personally and was not letting go of it. Do you ever have one of those days?
I recently watched a message on social media by Matt Merold. He was speaking about building bridges in relationships. He broke it down into four steps. I think we often know these steps intuitively, but I think we forget to think about them and then live them intentionally. Here are the steps:
Recognize the Problem
This is what happened to my friend whose day I described. He had gone through the day with so many conflicts and did not really recognize them all. We are busy people with a lot of things to accomplish in a day. But sometimes we need to stop, recognize the problems and name them. This will help us to be more proactive, work smarter and invest in relationships that will pay dividends forward.
Reveal the Pain
This step really spoke to me. In resolving conflict, I think this is the step we may most often skip. We look at the issues, but don’t pay attention to the feelings. Without recognizing the feelings, we may not fully resolve the issue. Have you ever felt you fixed an issue, but the problem remained? This often happens when we make a tactical fix, but don’t address the emotional hurt. The feelings could be hurt, frustration, sadness, etc. These need to be recognized and included in the process. Otherwise the conflict will remain.
I also recently read an article by Margaret Cullen called, How to Regulate Your Emotions and Not Suppress Them . She shared how people in high intensity jobs, such as police officers, military, emergency workers are taught to suppress emotions to do their jobs effectively. However, this is not working well for the sake of their own health. There are methods being used to show them how to feel in real time that is actually leading to better health and job performance. All this to say, that emotions should not be ignored.
Resolve the Issue
Once we recognize the problem and fully understand it from both people’s perspectives, including the issues and emotions, we then need to resolve it. This is also a critical step. Sometimes people can get it all out on the table, feel a momentary emotional release and then just drop completely resolving the issue.
I had this happen recently for myself. An incident happened that triggered a conflict that I had faced in my past but had not resolved. As I went to bed that night, I could not fall asleep. The trigger event kept stirring frustration within me and then my thoughts played over and over the past events. I was also frustrated because I thought this issue was all in the past, but evidently it was not! I realized that I had recognized the problem and even vented through my emotions in the past, but I had not resolved it. This brings us to the next step…
Run the Plan
With my issue, I needed to make a plan and also do the plan. For me, I needed to talk to the person who was central to the past issue and current trigger issue that I was feeling. My frustration was good that it sparked that I had been offended and felt others were disrespected. Now, I needed to look at it objectively and through multiple perspectives. I also took time to realize changes that had been made in the right direction, and to clarify where current change still needed to happen. So, then I acted, met with the person, and we had a good conversation about my and his expectations and moving forward.
Are you in the midst of conflict? Which step are you in with resolving your conflict and building a bridge in relationships?